Saturday, October 30, 2010

Breast Cancer Stage IIa (Chemotherapy Treatment Day 26)

Few hours ago i have just spoken to a very good friend of mine. She just delivered her daughter and i plan to visit her tomorrow. She did not know i have this sickness and after talking about her delivery, kids and suddenly she asked about my surgery. Even though i have completely accepting the fact but I still cry when people ask me about this thing that i am having.

I am so sorry, it is not something that i will brag about.Honestly i feel normal (except for the few days after the chemotherapy), i do not want other people to look at me with those sympathetic eyes and treat me like i am extremely sick. It is really mentally draining.It is Cancer but what can i do! just accept with a positive mind, fight it and pray to god.

I hate those people who would consciously or unconsciously take advantage of people like me. As soon as they know about my condition, all sorts of MLM product will be bugging me like leaches. NO THANK YOU! I am capable of doing my own research. Even the doctor will not encourage Chemo patient to consume all those MLM product. How do you know the real content and dosage of the product, will it react with the chemo drugs? all those agents out there are not Doctors.

Tomorrow there will be a breast cancer awareness campaign at Le Meridien Hotel 9.30am to 12.30pm. They will teach you how to self examine your breast which we should do every month. Please attend.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Breast Cancer Stage IIa (Chemotherapy Treatment Day 19)

My 2nd cycle chemotherapy treatment scheduled 25 October 2010 has been postponed to 2 November 2010. Everything was arrange by my husband all because of his 1 week 4x4 Borneo Safari Challenge. It is a good thing that the treatment can be postponed, it eliminates all the negative feelings of sadness, dissatisfaction, regret and maybe hatred. I wanted it to be earlier but the nurse told us that i need to complete the 3 weeks cycle. So now, everybody is happy, he can go for his outing and he will be by my side for the treatment.

My hair started to fall off until the stage that every time i shower and wash my hair i had to collect a lot of hair from the floor. If anybody see me around, do not be fooled with my sleek and stylist hair cut, it is all fake. My sisters and i bought a wig last Thursday at City Mall. Even the Pengarah of Hospital Kuala Penyu complimented me on my new hair cut when i met him on Friday. I wonder what will my Boss say?

My hair 80% are gone now and still falling! farewell to my long hair. I cut my hair really short (boy cut) last Tuesday. I told the hair stylist that my hair cannot be dry blowned, comb and wet. she gave me a surprised face but i just asked her to just cut my hair short without any explanation.

Physically a bit week, very hard to control the swollen of my tonsil. I cannot consumed other drugs like panadol or antibiotic for my tonsil so i had to just use salt water to kill of the infection.

Okay, till the next treatment. Hope everything will not be as bad as the last one.   

Friday, October 15, 2010

Breast Cancer Stage IIa (Chemotherapy Treatment Day 12)

9 more days before the 2nd cycle. I will not sound right but i cannot wait to have it even thought i am afraid to go through another terrible ordeal. After this one it will be 4 more cycle.

I am hurt that my husband will not be around for a week when i am on the drugs next 2 weeks. He will be participating in the Borneo Safari 4x4 challenge support team which he has planned for few months. I feel guilty for asking him to stay but how can i survive without him, who is going to drive me to the hospital and back home, who will play with the kids when i cannot for 4 days, who will take care and support me when i am in pain.
I am so hurt that i am not his priority. Why cannot he understand that the 4x4 challenge is an yearly event, he still can go next year but your wife is critically ill (it is not an yearly thing that people get sick).

If the situation is reverse, he will be my first priority. I cannot bare to see him suffer. Maybe this shows that i love him more!  If he really just leave me and suffer alone, i do not think i can forgive him.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Breast Cancer Stage IIa ( Chemotherapy Treatment Day 5)

Thanks god. I feel 80% better today, the nausea feeling, headache and body aching have subsided but still feel fatigue and i need constantly watch what i consume or my tonsil will get infected.

I drove my daughter to her clay and ballet classes today and had lunch with my hubby and kids at Pizza hut. They really crave for some tasty and not plain tasteless food we had for the pass months. I only had abit of the pizza and they finish all the garlic bread, meat ball spaghetti, fries, cokes, wings and the pizza. How i wish i have the appetite to eat all of that.

Hopefully my suffering only last for 4 days after the treatment cycle. If that is the case then i think i will survive this horrific ordeal. 24 days of suffering for the 4 and half months of treatment.

I am very gratefully for the support my family and friends have given me for the pass few days. Daniel has even bought some Chinese roots, mushroom and white and red carrots to boil and drink to enhance the immune system. Carol, Patricia and Rose have send me sms that helps to lighten a bit of the suffering. My lovely mum came to stay with us for few days and cook the most delicious dishes even though i cant taste much of it but i believe it was mouth watering. My husband was always telling me to be strong and my kids are so understanding and kind, not much fuss from them but hugs and kisses from Lara and Kyle.

I am so afraid of the next treatment on 25 October 2010. I am really traumatised from this first experience. The needle, the drugs, the smell and the feeling. PAIN!

I will be starting work on Monday, i have decided to return to work so that i can go through the days faster and i guess i am used to be working for my mental health and stability. Luckily i have a good, reliable and dependable helper and baby sitter.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Breast Cancer Stage IIa (Chemotreatment day 3)

My chemotherapy treatment started on Monday 4 October 2010.
I RATHER DIE! How can anyone endure this feeling and pain. STOP IT! God, all along i have been a positive thinking person and strong but this is the worst test you have given me. I have maintained my health so far, but this is too much.

Body aching, started fever this morning, tonsil swollen, nausea, headache, extreme fatigue. Constantly lying down and taking naps. My mental state right now is draining till the last drop. I cannot do it any more, i want this to stop.STOP! STOP!

I need to see my doctor tomorrow and discuss on other options. Maybe i need to have my blood test to check my cancer marker. If i am free from it, why must i suffer. i am more suffering now than ever.